God on Football

by John J. Miller on September 25, 2011 · 0 comments

in Blog Posts

  • SumoMe

The Onion:

The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, made a statement Thursday in which He condemned the practice of human beings playing football, proclaiming He had never intended the body to suffer such punishment.

“O my children, I implore you, look deeply into your hearts, your minds, your extremely fragile and complicated knees—in fact every part of your glorious but mortal bodies—and ask yourselves if I really intended you to collide with one another as hard as you possibly can,” God said as He appeared simultaneously to every football fan on earth and to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, declaring that it pained Him to see the human body, the pinnacle of His creation, abused in such a fashion. “Your brief lives are already beset by suffering and pain. Why make it so much harder on yourself with the brutal sport of football?”

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